Survive Valentines Day Twist

Ok, it is me once again here to wreak havoc upon some sappy better your life crap that is out there for you to read. This is much easier than some crap that I was going to post about how much V-Day sucks anyways. This just kinda of fell into my lap like a stripper when you have a twenty in your hand at a strip club.

Anywhoo, same rules as before, my snide remarks in red italics, everything else is all original, enjoy.

Once upon a time, Valentine’s Day conjured up fear and dread in the hearts of singles. Yeah, who wants to get a still beating heart on St. Valentines Day? No more! With a fresh perspective, a healthy dose of hindsight, and your friends, I like this already, looking at my friend’s hineys. Valentine’s Day can be just as fun for the savvy single as it is for the happily hooked up. Strippers and meth? By putting into practice the following do’s and don’ts, you’ll rock your single and ready to mingle self on Valentine’s Day and beyond. Rock your single? Are you referring to self-love?

Do: Give Thanks For The Ones That Got Away

Remember all those “have to have him Him? Wait, I’m not into hims. or I’ll die” obsessive loves from your past? Wish them well and count your blessings. Better yet, blow a kiss to the cosmos for divine intervention! They were SO not the one for you! They weren’t? And luckily, you’re now free to find someone better suited for you. Love that! Sweet.

Don’t: Feel Sorry For Yourself

For Being Single Rather than sit around and mope about your single and ready to mingle status, refocus your efforts on Valentine’s Day by practicing random acts of kindness. I prefer random acts of violence, its more fun that way. Pay a visit to the elderly and bring them cupcakes and a smile. Be careful of those that have diabetes. Shower your fellow savvy single girlfriends with affection and fanfare. It puts the lotion on or it gets the hose again! Give your pampered pooches lots of Valentine’s Day smooches. Ewwww, doggy breathe. With a little perspective, you’ll have a whole lot more fun! I’m starting to have a good time right now…with your MOM!!!

Do: Spend The Day With Your Friends Most of my friends are in a relationship, don’t think they will like a third wheel, unless they need someone to hold the camera.

Instead of sitting on your couch crying into your Cosmo I read Playboy on Valentine’s Day, invite your gal pals over for a singles soiree of board games and cocktails, Co-ed naked twister with pineapple upside down cake shots, sounds like a plan a decadent dinner party, a movie marathon, scary movies always brings people together or a pampering evening of mani-pedis. Is this an ad for Mary Kay? Long live the single girl! I’ll be damned I think it is.

Don’t: Drunk Dial Your Ex(es)

It’s okay to get a little lonely on Valentine’s Day. But that’s no excuse to drink like a fashionable fish and drunk dial your ex(es). In fact, if you feel the urge to email, instant message, or text on the big day, stop, turn off the technology, and reboot your brain. No good can come from a weak moment down memory lane. Just say no to reconnecting with former flames! That means you. You know who you are. Instead of calling that SOB that hurt you, call me. I’ll be your teddy bear.

Ok, that was my sappy moment.

Do: Celebrate Your Single Status

Sometimes it’s hard to remember the many ways being single rocks, It does? but guess what? What. On Valentine’s Day, it’s essential to celebrate the fact that you can spend your hard-earned money with wild abandon, Hookers and coke? primp and preen like the glamour girl Girl? Wait just one minute. you are without having to share the mirror, and sleep as late as you want on weekends. I do that whenever I’m off on the weekends, which isn’t too many. Not to mention you enjoy the freedom to go anywhere, do anything, and flirt frivolously without having to answer to anyone. Except for their boyfriend or husband that you didn’t notice before.

Don’t: Be Ashamed Of Your Single Status

If and when you run across a frienemy Frienemy? You’re making words up, you can’t do that. or some other hazardous human Manson, clowns, someone with bird flu or gonasyphiherpeAIDS. who tries to make you feel inferior for being single on February 14th, Bastards. summon your inner strength The Incredible Hulk and remind them as well as yourself that you don’t need anyone on your arm to feel super sassy. I don’t want your sass-back woman, I got a pack of ham right here for you. Being single is a state of mind and yours is oh-so-fabulous! That is worth two snaps and an around the world!

Do: Splurge On Yourself Use a napkin.

Go ahead – on Valentines Day buy yourself something special. Like short bus special? Treat yourself to a girl-tastic gift Excuse me, I’m a guy. How many times do I have to tell you this? (a little bling, Oh my God, there is this pair of earrings at Tiffany’s that are to die for. a heavenly massage, With a happy ending? or those killer heels you’ve been coveting perhaps? Do they have a blade in the toe?). Splurge without guilt because you deserve a little extra TLC on the big day! The Learning Channel? What's so special about The Learning Channel?

Don’t: Even Think Of Going On A First Or Blind Date Why?

Even if you meet someone kind of cool Like Tom Cruise? right before Valentine’s Day, don’t set your first date for the big day. Talk about pressure and mismanaged expectations! It’s a date, not a freaking engagement party or wedding. Plus, being surrounded by couples kissing and cuddling is sure to make a first date awkward and uncomfortable. I’ll dry heave. Instead, schedule that first date for the following week. Sorry got a wedding to go to, that would be in poor taste. In doing so, you’re off to a much more fun and freeing start with someone new!
As a savvy single, Valentine’s Day is nothing to stress about. By following the do’s and don’ts above, you’re sure to celebrate your single and fabulous self on February 14th and every day that follows. Happy Valentine’s Day! Definitely promoting self-gratification.


Well that is the end. I hope you enjoyed our time together and I hoped you had a laugh or two with this lazy dribble that I post.


Any comments, bitches, raves or ideas for something in the future, leave me a message.