Dating Newsletter

If you have been following this thing with words on your screen with any sort of length or happen to be new and have read everything that I have posted, then you know that I have dabbled in the dark arts of online dating. If by some reason you didn't, you can read here. I'll wait.

Since I have used some of the more popular sites in the past, one being eHarmony; albeit with little to no results, I now get their little newsletter in my email once a month or so, that is loaded with all kinds of helpful and interesting articles to constantly remind me why I am single...constantly....without end.

This week, (I'm not too sure how often they send these, once a month, every two weeks or through some sort of dark magic that senses when you need their helpful hand in making you feel worse) there is: Five Bad Habits that Tank First Dates!, Men: 5 Simple Ways to Charm Your Date, Can You Dance Your Way to a Better Dating Life?, Am I Doing Something Wrong?, What are the 6 Critical Factors for Choosing a Mate?, What's Your Dating IQ?, Five Hobbies That Women Find Sexy!

As you can tell by the titles, they tell me you are doing things wrong on the first date, you are not charming enough, you can't dance, provides you with self-doubt, what you need to know when choosing a mate, how dumb are you and if you are a man, things you need to take up to be sexy.

Let me break these down a little more in depth if you will spare me the time.

Bad Habits

Don't talk too much: I am super-shy and therefore do not talk all that much because of it, so no worries there.

Don't over share: So talking about how I would like to tie you up with duct tape would be a bad idea?

Don't be someone else: Name's Bond. James Bond.

Don't propose: What if I really, really, really, reeeeaalllllyyyyy like her?

Don't ignore cues: Right, but wrong cues leading you astray is never good and I'm oblivious to most clues unless I am whacked in the head by them.

Charm Your Date

Make a CD: I like strippers, so I guess a compilation of music to strip by would be a great gift.

Bring a rose or bouquet of tulips: I'm a little different, so how about a bouquet of pitcher plants and venus fly traps?

Bring her chocolate: Unless she is sensitive about her weight and then you just mucked up, next in line to get fucked up.

Be the historian: AKA, be the creepy guy that remembers every insignificant date when it happens, first kiss, date, etc. I always thought that was the woman's job.

Be chivalrous and gracious, always: I'm allergic to horses and my suit of armor makes me chaff in a very private area.

Dance Your Way

Healthy people are at the classes: Great another venue that I can have attractive people look at me while some poor schmuck draws the short straw to be my partner, thanks but no.

It's fun: Crushed toes are not fun, ask the last person I danced with.

Good dancer is sexy: A bad one just looks like a dancing bear.

Connecting with people is healthy: Duct tape and a stripper fetish...doesn't sound too healthy to me.

Am I Doing Something Wrong?

This basically tells you to expand your horizons, talk to all your connections and be confident: Not crazy about talking to someone in Nome, Alaska; I can talk to my wolf and may even have her talk back; being locked in a closet for years does things to you...bad things.

6 Critical Factors For Choosing A Mate

How you choose is crucial: Dur. Really? Who'd thunk it.

Choose to please yourself, no one else: I do that often in the shower, as do you.

Marry after 26: Hell, I am on that path and have beaten it down good.

Find someone like you: No. Hairy, quiet and morose are not what I want in a mate.

Unrealistic expectations: So I shouldn't hope for them to be the bread winner while I sit at home eating ho-ho's and watching porn?

Personality or behavior issues don't just go away: Meaning crazy and psycho are meant to stay.

Dating IQ:
Initiating relationships: If you are getting this newsletter, then you FAIL in this area.

Personal Disclosure: Share intimate things...wait...didn't they tell you NOT to do that early on?

Asserting Displeasure: This is what she does when I mention the live chicken and the things I would like to do...er...umm...strike that from the record. Moving on.

Providing support: Finally one that I am great at. Too bad women don't like this trait.

Managing interpersonal conflict: This means the argument you have in your head about whether or not to ask if they are interested in a three way with a Mexican midget prostitute should be kept IN YOUR HEAD and should NOT be argued OUT LOUD.

Social sensitivity: Giving a homeless change, not beating him up for his bottle of Mad Dog 20/20.

5 Hobbies Women Find Sexy:
Playing an instrument or singing: Skin flute does not count or singing "into the mic". Also subtract clarinets, flutes, french horns, tubas and triangles.

Volunteerism: Feeding the homeless guy you beat up for his Mad Dog earlier.

Participating in Sports: Yeah, so she can see more fit and attractive and aggressive males than myself. Awesome.

Playing Mr. Fix It: As long as it doesn't require me getting off the couch from playing Halo to look at some noise your car is making.

Risking it all: Think I am going to take up Orca training.

So anyways, there is my take on their newsletter. I'm sure some of it could be helpful if I really wanted it to, but why change what is already broken?

Choke On This

Do I have a doozie for you today, little commentary about some article and kids choking on food.

I know I just posted something yesterday, but I need to strike while the iron is hot.

First off, you need to read this to understand this rant first. Pediatricians urge choking warning labels for food.

Ready?

Good.

Now the point of the story is that these pediatricians want warning labels to be placed on food to warn parents that their child may choke on the food.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Change the shape of lollipops to a flat disc shape instead of a ball shape. I'm sure Tootsie Roll will love the fact that one of their products will have to be re-designed, factories re-tooled to be able to produce their famous tootsie roll tootsie pop in a disc shape.

Hot dogs should be re-designed to something a little less choke-on-able. Like what? A patty? "Kids come get your pork by product patty, formerly known as a hot dog!"

Just wonderful.

This is what is wrong with the world these days, somebody dies and it comes to light that feeding children small pieces of food is dangerous, so we should now have all of this food made safer by way of redesigning them or adding warning labels to the packaging.

Guess what, that doesn't work.

Didn't work for cigarettes, doesn't work on alcohol products, doesn't work on people using hair dryers in the shower.

Why in the hell will it work on food?

Parents are going to see the new warnings and go, "Oh, my, Junior could choke on this if we give it him!" Puhleeze. Anytime you put something into your mouth to consume it, you are putting yourself at risk to accidentally killing yourself and anytime you feed a baby or child, you pose the risk of accidentally killing them as well. It is a sad fact of life. If you cannot figure out that you need to perhaps supervise you child while they are eating on the off chance that they may choke on something, you don't need to be a parent.

Now the woman that lost her child in the link at the beginning left the 4 y.o. child with his 16 y.o. sister and 92 y.o. grandmother while she went to the store. I'm not blaming either the grandmother nor the sister for the tragedy, but to campaign for safer food design and warning labels is silly.

Apparently this threat of choking is so severe that in 2003 and in 2005, a bill was introduced in the House of Representatives; HR 3560, that would have the Commissioner of Food and Drugs educate parents of children 14 y.o. and younger, have education materials at hospitals, schools, day cares and pediatricians as well as set a 'prevention week' each year. This bill would also have the commissioner to have a comprehensive study done;

(A) to assess the accuracy and adequacy of current data and data collection efforts;

(B) to document the number and nature of incidents of food choking-related deaths and injuries by age group annually;

(C) to consider the nature and causes of childhood food choking incidents;

(D) to establish criteria for determining whether a food poses a significant choking hazard to children; and

(E) to assess the opportunities and key impediments to congressional, regulatory, and private sector initiatives to reduce the number of child deaths and injuries due to food choking.

http://www.thomas.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c109:H.R.3560.IH:

Luckily, the bill went to committee and has not been heard from again. (Any bills that do not make it all the way through Congress by the end of the term are wiped from the books and must be re-submitted the following term before being able to be voted on into law.)

This is just a sad example of how an unfortunate act can lead to some bill being introduced that if it had been passed, would be just another unnecessary law that everyone would have to follow, that is just plain common sense.

Yes, peanuts, grapes, carrots, lollipops, hard candy and a number of many other things can cause a child to choke to death, but it is the responsibility of those watching the child to make sure these things do not happen and to educate themselves in the proper ways to stop the choking if they do happen. We do not need laws or classic foods to be re-designed or warning labels placed to inform us that this food could potentially cause you or your child to choke on and die.

Less Or More

I go to a gym occasionally.

And I do mean, occasionally.

Like once or twice a week occasionally.

Which I know what you health freaks are thinking, "That is no way enough to get into any sort of shape and be healthy." You're right. It isn't.

I should really strive to go more often and watch how much I eat, as opposed to watching what I eat as a shovel it into the abyss that is my belly. Now is the perfect time to really get on the ball to get motivated since warmer weather is approaching and bathing suit season is nearing.

*Lisp* And I have got the cutest little black and purple dotted bikini picked out! It will fit in the most spectacular way and show off all of my lovely bits to attract all of the ladies. */lisp*

You cannot un-think that.

Seriously though, I was down to a sparsely 216 at one point in my life; which was through little working out, not much in the way of over indulgence in food and mucho gratuitous amounts of alcohol.

Maybe that is the path of least resistance for me at this point, less food, more working out and more alcohol.

I think I hear a beer saying some very un-kind things about my mother in the fridge, I must go teach it and some of his kin a lesson in manners.

Till next time, laters.

Thin Mints

I just finished eating an entire sleeve of thin mints. Of the Girl Scout variety. That is about 28 cookies. At 160 calories to a serving of 4, that equals to being 1120 calories consumed just from that ONE sleeve.

I should no longer wonder why I am such a fat ass.

I blame the cookies.

The reason I ate so many, was not for some experiment nor for any sort of hunger, but for the sole reason of needing a comfort food to ease me today. Some reason I have been feeling a bit down this week and I know not why.

Really I do, but I am not about to put every aspect of my life out there to the public to criticize or lament over.

So. There.

Deal with it.

Yes, I am feeling a bit snarky this afternoon after having eaten all of those thin mints.

Could just be a sugar high though.

T.a.S.O.D.

I'm starting a new holiday since I am not a big fan of V-Day and it is called Take a Stranger Out Day.

The premise of this day is to take someone that you haven't seen in quite some time or maybe someone new that you would like to get to know better. Either way, it is a day to get to know someone better that you don't know so well now.

Makes sense?

The bad thing is that this new holiday is falling on V-Day this year, it won't be able to compete with V-Day, but this year they will just have to share.

I have my stranger, so you have sometime left to find you one. If you cannot find one in time, there is always abducting one out of the parking lot of a Wal-mart.

V-Day Rant

Valentine's Day is this week, Sunday to be more precise.

Yippee.

I'm so excited I think I may be sick from the hearts and candy.

That was sarcasm for the inter-sarcasm-net ignorant.

Now, do not get me wrong, in the most deepest, darkest, moistest, warmest parts of my heart and soul, I am a romantic. Its not that I hate or loathe V-Day, but I hate and loathe the ever present fact that this day is set aside for lovers and romantics; not for those of us that always seem to be ever-single during this time of year.

Every. Fucking. Year.

Now that is not without trying mind you; for I have a couple of times, but every time I try to let the romantic out to say 'Hello' to the world, he gets used, laughed at and otherwise rejected. It gets old and tiring, not too mention just wears you down on a mental level that leaves you feeling despondent at times.

I'm tired of it.

I'm not looking for my soul mate to be wrapped with a pretty little bow on my front door step, but I would like to be afforded the chance to be able to have the opportunity to be able to meet her at some point in my life before I become some senile old fart or decide to turn gay for the hell of it.

Not that there is anything wrong with those that are gay, but it is not for me; except lesbianism at which I try to practice as much as possible.

Bad joke, I know.

Really though, from a V-Day card given in middle school and being laughed at, (yes, in middle school, I am not one to pick myself up all too quickly, so fuck off.) to last year and being lead on for the better term.

So, I may be just a bit jaded with this whole thing.

I give wholly, honestly and earnestly with my heart and all I'm really looking for is a bone to be thrown my way every once in a while.

Maybe I'll just find that damn cherub Cupid and make him suffer.

Dream II

I dream.

Honestly, I do.

I'm not talking about daydreaming here, but those dreams you dream at night; before the cookie monster comes out of the closet.

Not to dismiss daydreams; they are all great and stuff, but not the topic at this moment.

The other night I had a dream and not one about equal rights or of genie but of zombies. Yes, I know a bit odd, but I can't help what I dreamed.

The dream started shortly after a zombie infection started to run rampant and the survivors had just fought off the first wave of zombies that came around with the normal means of disposing of the undead. You know, guns, blunt weapons, cars, fire or anything you can get your paws on to fend off the unrelenting brain eaters.

Somehow this sideshow of a dream ended up in a strip club, with people dressed in colored leather outfits and one particular fellow that wore a purple one that had long pig-tailed leather whips attached to the head piece.

Yes. Odd, to say the least.

I should also add that he sounded like Eddie Izzard.

Now I don't know what caused such a dream to manifest since I didn't see anything with zombies in it recently, nor have I partaken in any stripclubs with purple leather wearing Eddie Izzard sounding persons, nor did I watch an Eddie Izzard comedy special on the tele.

I don't really understand the dream, but I survived, and the purple leather fellow can do a mean clean up job with the head whips on a horde of zombies.

Before you ask; yes, I do dream in color and do hear sound in my dreams.

So be jealous.

Sleep

Sleep.

Such a wonderful little act that makes the most hateful people look like angels. An act that your body desires. You can succumb to it during the most mundane of tasks or busiest of scenes. In time, visions pass before your eyes as you drift further down the rabbit hole to take you to a wonderland of unconscious imagination to which you may wish to never return.

I started writing that shortly after dinner; on a lazy Sunday pre-evening, of cheese filled ravioli. A dinner that is most likely a hindrance to myself in trying to lose some weight as I am now stuffed and sleepy, but shortly I should leave to go workout to perhaps curb this over indulgence from affecting me too much.

Originally I started running through my head a fictional letter of a fan, but I digressed.

Perhaps some other time.

After my meal and going to my room to flip through some blogs, I did doze off. My mind started to wander off to some fanciful place that I would hope to never return, but I did just for you.

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Little side note, I didn't make it to the gym for I ended up writing the letter after all. I shall post it some time in the future, most likely the next time I post something.