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I hate these commercials.

Absolutely fucking hate them.

Maybe 'loathe' would be a more fitting word, but 'hate' has that blunt feel as it smacks you in the face attribute to it.

Now you are gonna ask, "Why?"

First off the singer. He's the guy in high school that thought he was cool, but everyone actually hated. He had that smarmy arrogance about him that made you think that he thought he was better than everyone else. The one guy that could bind the jocks, nerds, stoners, goths and geeks into a singular conversation about how much of a douche bag he was. He could make sweet, innocent, bible toting Mary Jane use the word 'fuckwad' when describing him. You know that his future held only two paths for him; absolute success that would further make him a douche or an absolute failure that even then, he would still be a complete douche with an arrogance about how it wasn't his fault he failed.

Second, the premise of every commercial. Some hacker stole his identity. The douche probably gave it to some 900 number he dialed and forgot about it. Most hackers probably aren't going to hack into you measly IBM to steal your fucking identity. They are most likely doing more mundane things; like hacking adult sites for free porn. Douche's identity probably got yanked from some bum rifling through his trash.

Thirdly, the little story each commercial tells. Bad credit = bad job; bad credit = shitty car; wife's bad credit = no house; bad credit = riding bicycle; bad credit = living at a Renaissance fair.

Ok, let's break it down.

BC=BJ, bullshit. Douche's shitty attitude and poor work habits leads to bad job. Douche probably thinks that he is entitled to a good job because he has some sort of degree or some shit and it is owed him.

BC=SC; no, if Douche would get a better job, save some money, Douche would be able to afford a better car.

WBC=NH; it's what a fucking Douche deserves when you marry for elevation in society, you get fucked by her shopping habits in college. By the way, the drummer and bassist run the train on her when Douche is working the fish house.

BC=RB; well that's bullshit. Douche is only doing this to pick some new cause that is out there; so Douche is going 'green'. Douche probably rode around with a white whale in his car to 'save the whales', or is a vegan to protect all the precious animals.

What the fuck ever.

BC=LRF; I'm so over Douche, I just hope he gets fucked by a goat.

Writing this has inspired me, I'm going to go to my next high school reunion and I'm going to commit animal sacrifice in hope that our Douche will be there. 'Cause if he is, I'm gonna kick him right square in the nuts.

Then I'm gonna run a train on his hot wife.