Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Numb / Hospitals

The stress has finally gotten to me, to the point that I wish to be numb from life. To feel no emotion what so every to be void of all pleasure and pain that living has to offer.

Especially from sorrow. That little emotion leaves a hole in your heart, a void that takes forever to fill again if to be ever filled. I no longer wish to hurt inside from the loss of loved ones, from the pain that comes with it, the hurt. To be able to walk around without feeling anything anymore, to be a stone face in life so to speak.

The only thing that keeps this from truly wanting this to be a reality is the fact that I do enjoy the moments of happiness and contentment that I get in the fleeting moments when I do get them. I owe most of those moments from my mother and my most dearest of friends that tend to keep my sanity by being around them.

This is only a commentary and a way of venting to prevent cracking, so no need to worry.


I have come to the conclusion that hospitals, not God, is the Alpha and Omega of today.

Now before you fire up the keyboard preparing to send of some incendiary email, hear me out.

Think about it for a moment. Most people are born there, many die there it is the beginning and end of many peoples lives.

The only times that we go to the hospital is if we are really sick or visiting someone that is there. Any other time we avoid it like the plague, not wanting to mention it and keeping away.

Personally I hate hospitals on the simple and very basic principal of being traumatized as a child when I was admitted with pneumonia.

Now I keep away no matter what. I know that sounds selfish and somewhat a bit self-involved to not visit loved ones, but hospitals creep me out. I cannot even be comfortable in them even for being there in some sort of joyous reason, like the birth of a child. If they make me feel that way with new life, imagine with the sunset of one.

Don't get me wrong, I will go, but don't expect me to stay very long and if you are potentially not going to make it, you may not even see me. I'll prefer to remember you they way you were, so do not judge me.