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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Wiki-How Crush Twist


I noticed this wiki-how, was curious as to what it was and thusly clicked on its link. Skimmed over the words that sat before me and had an immense urge to be a very sarcastic bastard by twisting the answers with my own sense of perverted humor that should be humorous, but that is probably an over statement.

Of course that being said, DO NOT take this seriously. It is meant as a joke, sort of.

My additions are in italics and in red, just in case someone may be confused about it.

Examine why the crush is a bad idea. Why should the crush be a bad idea? First, ask yourself why you would be so interested in this particular person over all others. Usually when I am interested in someone over someone else, it usual has to do with either looks or perhaps something greater like intelligence…yeah, like it is ever that. Obviously, there is the primal attraction factor - there are just certain people you will find attractive, whether it's appropriate or not. I just said that. But the key here is to voice your objections in a way that your sense of propriety hears you. Huh? If she's a lot younger than you are, why are you interested in a young woman whose interests and priorities will be very different from your own? For the sense of adventure and the much younger tail. If you are into a guy who works for you, are you more into the idea that you can call the shots than the actual person? Wouldn’t that be a bad idea? I mean sexual harassment and all? If you have a crush on your brother's girlfriend, is it more about getting one over on your brother than actual interest in the girl? Hells, yeah.

Project the potential fallout. If you were to get involved with this person, how would the fallout affect you? Probably like any other fallout, if it fails. Her/Him? Your friends, family, co-workers? Who cares what they think? If you live your life questioning every little thing that you do, or wish to do, you will be an indecisive shell of a person that always will second guess themselves. Think as if it were a chess game - visualize the next several moves: "If I do this, then s/he will do that; then my brother will hate me; then the first time we argue I will lose my job; then I will die homeless and penniless and nobody else but my parents will ever love me." Aren’t you just a ray of sunshine coming out of a care bears ass? Well, it might not really be that dire, but you get the idea. Is the potential relationship with this person worth all the trouble you will endure, and what are the chances the relationship would survive all of the chaos that will ensue? Have you ever taken a chance in your miserable life? Seriously, I may not be the most experienced in the world of love and my advice here may not be what I would personally take, but I would not be posting stuff on the internet that seems to want to make everyone that would read it a miserable cur such as ones apparent self.

Consider your reputation. What will other people think – will they think more, or less of you? What? Who cares what the hell other people think, it is not their fucking business what goes on in my or anybodies else’s private lives. It's not cool to try to steal your buddy's girl. No, but sure could be fun. You might end up with her, but you will lose your friend. Not if you’re my friend. Oh, wait; you’ve probably never had a girlfriend. If you're older, and the boy is a minor, you will be considered a cradle-robber - and on top of that, if you actually pursue that relationship into a sexual situation, you could be looking at jail. Unless you are Catholic and he is an altar boy, then it is perfectly fine. Sex with a minor is worse than inappropriate - it's a crime. You may be feeling warm fuzzies when you look at that middle schooler, Mr. High School Sophomore, but if you think you can take a 12-year-old to the prom, think about how your peers will look at you. What if they are good friends from church? Hmmm, What then? They'll think you couldn't get someone your own age - you had to go for someone a lot younger, not as savvy, not as sophisticated, and not as educated. Educated? I didn’t know that many high schoolers that were very sophisticated or for that matter more educated than some middle schoolers. That's not a good way to be looked at by your peers. And it's nothing compared to what the adults (especially her parents) will be thinking. Again, what if they are friends outside of school?

Think about your future. If you get involved with someone inappropriate, you will not just be dealing with problems now. You will be dealing with the fallout far - maybe years - into the future. Ok, I thought we were talking about a crush and maybe some light dating, not a full fledged life long relationship. Not to mention that as a general rule of thumb I don’t go letting any casual girlfriends have access to my credit cards, bank accounts or my money laundering businesses. Let's say the person you are crazy about is really kind of a ... well... not very nice person. The word you’re looking for is bitch. She's nice to you, but she isn't very nice to your friends or relatives. It is called a Rising Bitch Slap, puts them in their place. You start ditching your friends and family to spend time with her. We all fucking do that. She's super flaky, and you become flaky, too - going back on your word because she wasn't willing to do whatever it was you promised you'd do - and won't let you do it, either. If you do that, then you had no character to begin with. Even after you break up with her, everyone you know will still view you with distrust. They may question your earnestness when making plans, but in time they will come back around. Anyways, you were flaky; it wasn’t like you tortured an indigenous tribe in New Guinea for the thrill of it or like you stole their valuables from their home. They will question your judgment for ever getting involved with someone like that in the first place. Sorry, true friends will only be glad you are finally out of such a bad relationship.

Distract yourself. Now that you've analyzed, considered, and really meditated upon how terrible this idea is, you need to stop obsessing on this person. Sorry, can’t do that, I like the pain. No matter how tempting it is to think about him/her, fantasize, and get yourself all tingly doing it, stop it. Mmmmmm, tingly. Do something else. Your mom available? Oh, you said something, not someone. My bad, apologizes. In loose psychological terms, it's called redirecting behaviors and thought patterns. Train yourself to think about something else every time you start thinking about him/her - think of being at Disneyland. Are we trying to hold back an ejaculation or going to be fighting Rocky? Think of being on a train with your family. Yeah, think about being on something that can be a phallic symbol. Think of being a superhero. Like Batman? Whatever. What? It was a valid question. Just think about something else. Turn on the radio or TV, and get some other thoughts running through your head. Like them nekkid? If you still feel yourself reverting to thoughts of your forbidden crush, call a friend. According to you, I won’t have any friends after this dame is through with me. Go see that friend - get out of the house and out of your head. Out of my head? I never had an out of body experience before.

Avoid the person. If you can remove yourself from that person as much as possible, the crush will weaken. Damn, we can’t be friends anymore. In order to sustain our adoration for someone, we generally need to reinforce it by seeing the person. Personally I enjoy standing outside a window in the bushes naked. (Absence usually doesn't make the heart grow fonder, actually.) Says you. Of course, this isn't always practical, but do what you can to minimize contact with the other person. Place them in a box and ship them to Abhu Dhabi.

Focus on the negative. Almost by definition, a crush involves an idealized picture of someone else. This may work if the crush is fresh, but if it is entrenched, it won’t necessarily work. But everyone is human, and even your crush has characteristics that are probably not pleasant. Like poor hygiene and gas? Perhaps he says mean things to people, or maybe she listens to music that you think is dumb. Or perhaps he or she merely ignores you. If you haven’t done anything to make yourself known to them, they just may ignore you. Try to work up some negative energy about the person that you can focus on in order to weaken the crush. So if you are truly obsessed, you may end up lashing out towards them which could really endear yourself to them. That was sarcasm by the way.

Wait it out. All crushes fade with time. If you can avoid doing something regrettable and keep your feelings in check, eventually those powerful emotions will run their course. Ask them out, if they say no, move on. That is a sure fire way to cure a crush.

Ask someone else out. After you ask your ‘crush’ out first. It doesn't matter if that person does not measure up to your "wrong crush." What does matter is that you spend some time in the pleasant company of someone other than that person. Why do you keep thinking that the other person is unpleasant? You only have a crush on them, but for some reason you think that they are all wrong. Start dating others, and keep an open mind. That person is off limits to you, and you have to start re-wiring your brain to think about being with someone else. They are only off-limits if there is a restraining order involved and then it is only for so many feet.

Make it right. Let's face it: sometimes, you can't convince yourself that you don't feel the way you feel. If you've tried to fight it, all to no avail, and you still find yourself sighing over him/her, then make it right. There are ways to make an inappropriate crush totally appropriate - the most important thing to remember is to make it right FIRST - and then, and only then - get involved. And then, true love wins the day! What the FUCK!!! This entire time, you have been telling us that our crush is wrong and now you are telling us that it can be right?

I need to go smoke a cigarette. I’m fucking pissed right now. Take five, smoke one yourself, rub one out, drink a beer or whatever for five.

Ok, I’m back.

I can’t believe this crap, the entire time it is ‘inappropriate’ and you should do everything in your power to stop it or forget about it because somehow you will lose everything in your life; but now, since you can’t seem to stop this crush, just turn into it and ask them out. Seriously, if you wanted to have any cred to this, you would have just kept with the whole ‘your life will be fucking ruined’ bit and then did another Wiki-how that could be the entire opposite of this shit.

Of course, if you did another Wiki-how, I may find it as fucked up as this one and be spurred to fuck with it much the same.

Back to Wiki…

    • If she's your brother's girl, then you have to behave as a gallant gentleman, and never hit on her. If your brother breaks up with her, you can ask your brother if he'd mind you asking her out. Maybe he wouldn't mind, and there certainly is precedent for it. If he doesn't break up with her, or if he won't give you permission, you're out of luck unless you are prepared to accept the consequences - your brother may not speak to you. Fair enough, that is sound advice. Just remember though, they are blood and won’t be mad forever.
    • If you're interested in someone much younger, wait for him/her. Don't get involved with anyone. Wow, that is the life I want to lead. Bide your time, remain friendly, but don't get too close. Love him or her from afar until it is appropriate. Stalker much? For example, you are Mr. High School Sophomore and she is Miss 6th Grade Middle School. You will need to graduate from High School, go on to college, and maintain a friendly relationship with little Miss 6GMS until she is close to the end of high school herself. Once you are both finished with High School a 5-year age difference becomes unimportant - but while she is a minor, it could be deadly to your future. And then, what good would you be to her? Yeah, because no one stays together for love anymore, it just for the money.
    • If you are into a subordinate, let him know of your interest, but you must agree that one of you must transfer to another department, or one of you must resign (assuming that the feeling is mutual, of course) before you can act on your feelings and develop a personal relationship. Dipping your pen into the company ink well is not a very good idea, but resign? In this day and age, neither party will resign and put their career on hold just to date someone in their company.

Ok, that is the end for me. This is the most stupid thing I read to begin with and felt it was my patriotic duty to fuck with it. Some of it hopefully funny and the rest hopefully to enlighten others to the truth to go ask their crush out.

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