Welcome to my little corner of the world, this is where I rant, rave, kvetch or wax on nostalgic about anything and anyone that crosses my path at that moment in time.
Sit down for a bit and read some. If you enjoy what you read, please pass the love on to others so that they may partake in the yummy goodness that lies here.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Unborn

This is my unbiased review of the movie The Unborn.

Ok, so it isn't going to be unbiased, so sue me and stop laughing.

The Unborn is not a scary movie. Though the previews would like you to think that it is, it is by far a truly scary movie. The premise of said movie, is some chic had a twin that died in utero and she is being stalked by a demon.

That is really all you need to know.

There is a weak ass plot that goes like this: demon starts stalking her; she starts seeing and hearing weird shit; she meets her grandmother, that she didn't know was alive; steals a book; has an exorcism; finds out she is pregnant; the end.

The entire movie relies on fast switching of the camera to a frame that is shocking, just to get the cheap 'aaaagggghhhh' out of you. Like early on you see a kid, shot of demon stalked girl, switch to shot of dog with a human mask on with electric blue eyes.

Someone screamed in the theater. No, really someone did a couple of times during this thing.

Anyways, electric blue eyes seem to be a something of a theme in the movie. Stalked girl starts getting them, demon has them, what the fuck is going on? I think they just hung out with Riddick to much and had their eyes glazed to be like all the cool kids.

There is no nudity, some covered up backside, but nothing is shown. There is a three second gratuitous camel toe shot early in the movie, but that is as close as you will get here.

The only saving grace of the movie is the actress; Odette Yustman, the one that is being stalked, is smoking hot. Smoking. If she was any hotter she would spontaneously combust.

If she did, would she rise from the ashes like a modern day Phoenix?

In fact, I have another more realistic reason for what happens in the movie, drugs.

Think about it. All of the girls friends, including herself, are in college. When is the best time to experiment with drugs and alcohol?

If you guess college, you get a shroom. Apparently that must have been what this chick was on, since she has more trips than Kenny Tarmac. She probably scored them from her pusher boyfriend, you know, to help her get in the mood or some shit.

Why not use a club over the head like the fucking cavemen did? Shit worked for them.

Her BFF, Romy, is into superstitions and shit, so you know she does weed or some shit like that. Fucking hippy.

Daddy is of course the supplier to to her precious beau. You only see him a couple of times in the movie and the rest of the time, he is out of town. Probably getting a load of X from the Scandinavians the entire time to give to beau upon his return.

Then of course there is the creepy kid that she baby sits for. If I happen to have a child like this, I'm going to throw him into a damn volcano as some sort of sacrifice. Not only is this kid creepy, but his head is ginormous and perfectly round to boot. He is like a real life Stewie, with the murderous impulses.

I rate this movie a -5 out of a 10, a fucking 10.

If you can tell me the movie that '10, a fucking 10' came from, you get a bonus point.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Leave love, hate, gripes, rants or raves.