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Friday, February 26, 2010

Dating Newsletter

If you have been following this thing with words on your screen with any sort of length or happen to be new and have read everything that I have posted, then you know that I have dabbled in the dark arts of online dating. If by some reason you didn't, you can read here. I'll wait.

Since I have used some of the more popular sites in the past, one being eHarmony; albeit with little to no results, I now get their little newsletter in my email once a month or so, that is loaded with all kinds of helpful and interesting articles to constantly remind me why I am single...constantly....without end.

This week, (I'm not too sure how often they send these, once a month, every two weeks or through some sort of dark magic that senses when you need their helpful hand in making you feel worse) there is: Five Bad Habits that Tank First Dates!, Men: 5 Simple Ways to Charm Your Date, Can You Dance Your Way to a Better Dating Life?, Am I Doing Something Wrong?, What are the 6 Critical Factors for Choosing a Mate?, What's Your Dating IQ?, Five Hobbies That Women Find Sexy!

As you can tell by the titles, they tell me you are doing things wrong on the first date, you are not charming enough, you can't dance, provides you with self-doubt, what you need to know when choosing a mate, how dumb are you and if you are a man, things you need to take up to be sexy.

Let me break these down a little more in depth if you will spare me the time.

Bad Habits

Don't talk too much: I am super-shy and therefore do not talk all that much because of it, so no worries there.

Don't over share: So talking about how I would like to tie you up with duct tape would be a bad idea?

Don't be someone else: Name's Bond. James Bond.

Don't propose: What if I really, really, really, reeeeaalllllyyyyy like her?

Don't ignore cues: Right, but wrong cues leading you astray is never good and I'm oblivious to most clues unless I am whacked in the head by them.

Charm Your Date

Make a CD: I like strippers, so I guess a compilation of music to strip by would be a great gift.

Bring a rose or bouquet of tulips: I'm a little different, so how about a bouquet of pitcher plants and venus fly traps?

Bring her chocolate: Unless she is sensitive about her weight and then you just mucked up, next in line to get fucked up.

Be the historian: AKA, be the creepy guy that remembers every insignificant date when it happens, first kiss, date, etc. I always thought that was the woman's job.

Be chivalrous and gracious, always: I'm allergic to horses and my suit of armor makes me chaff in a very private area.

Dance Your Way

Healthy people are at the classes: Great another venue that I can have attractive people look at me while some poor schmuck draws the short straw to be my partner, thanks but no.

It's fun: Crushed toes are not fun, ask the last person I danced with.

Good dancer is sexy: A bad one just looks like a dancing bear.

Connecting with people is healthy: Duct tape and a stripper fetish...doesn't sound too healthy to me.

Am I Doing Something Wrong?

This basically tells you to expand your horizons, talk to all your connections and be confident: Not crazy about talking to someone in Nome, Alaska; I can talk to my wolf and may even have her talk back; being locked in a closet for years does things to you...bad things.

6 Critical Factors For Choosing A Mate

How you choose is crucial: Dur. Really? Who'd thunk it.

Choose to please yourself, no one else: I do that often in the shower, as do you.

Marry after 26: Hell, I am on that path and have beaten it down good.

Find someone like you: No. Hairy, quiet and morose are not what I want in a mate.

Unrealistic expectations: So I shouldn't hope for them to be the bread winner while I sit at home eating ho-ho's and watching porn?

Personality or behavior issues don't just go away: Meaning crazy and psycho are meant to stay.

Dating IQ:
Initiating relationships: If you are getting this newsletter, then you FAIL in this area.

Personal Disclosure: Share intimate things...wait...didn't they tell you NOT to do that early on?

Asserting Displeasure: This is what she does when I mention the live chicken and the things I would like to do...er...umm...strike that from the record. Moving on.

Providing support: Finally one that I am great at. Too bad women don't like this trait.

Managing interpersonal conflict: This means the argument you have in your head about whether or not to ask if they are interested in a three way with a Mexican midget prostitute should be kept IN YOUR HEAD and should NOT be argued OUT LOUD.

Social sensitivity: Giving a homeless change, not beating him up for his bottle of Mad Dog 20/20.

5 Hobbies Women Find Sexy:
Playing an instrument or singing: Skin flute does not count or singing "into the mic". Also subtract clarinets, flutes, french horns, tubas and triangles.

Volunteerism: Feeding the homeless guy you beat up for his Mad Dog earlier.

Participating in Sports: Yeah, so she can see more fit and attractive and aggressive males than myself. Awesome.

Playing Mr. Fix It: As long as it doesn't require me getting off the couch from playing Halo to look at some noise your car is making.

Risking it all: Think I am going to take up Orca training.

So anyways, there is my take on their newsletter. I'm sure some of it could be helpful if I really wanted it to, but why change what is already broken?

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